Sunday, 24 August 2008

In Brawl We Trust

Smash Bros is a religion, and these are its commandments.

I Link, Captain Falcon, Samus and Ike are all amazing, but thou shalt have no other gods before Wario.
II Any character that isn't amazing shall be referred to by a derogatory and increasingly unfunny nickname, eg: Mr Gay and Watch, Poocario, Ganondork, Mr Game and Crotch, Diddy Wrong, Wonkey Kong, Mr Lame and Watch, Lolimar, Mr Game and Wank, Mr Wank and Watch (even though that doesn't make any sense). Also Mr Game and Watch's final smash is called the Cocktopus.
III Suggested one-liners for various situations:
i) (Ice Climbers' final smash) "Ice to see you!"
ii) (Diddy Kong's "jump on your face and hit you" move) "I specialise in YOUR FACE!"
iii) (Meowth emerges from a Pokeball) "It's pay day, bitch!"
iv) (Jigglypuff falls asleep right next to an opponent) "NO Jigglypuff you stupid fucking twat."
IV King Dedede's glassy blank-eyed stare is the stuff of nightmares.
V So is Jigglypuff's final smash.
VI Whenever one of the crappy new Pokemon appears (ie more or less anything post-Mudkip) it must be immediately insulted for its inept design. ("It's just a cat with bits of plastic stuck on it!")
VII The co-op event match where you have to kill 50 Yoshis in one circuit of Rainbow Ride will eat your soul.
VIII Sonic is the worst character to play against, but by no means the best character to play as. No one knows why or how.
IX Whenever someone eats a poison mushroom you have to pretend you knew it was poisoned, even though independent studies have shown that it is impossible to tell the difference.
X Kirby's final smash is the cutest thing this side of Jigglypuff.

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